Miami Dolphins select QB Tannehill because "His wife is an absolute babe"

Prior to Thursday's nights coverage of the NFL draft's first round, many head NFL executives believed QB Ryan Tannehill of Texas a&m was a lock to be picked somewhere in the first round. There was much speculation surrounding where Tannehill would be selected because of his lack of experience playing the QB position in college. With two quarterbacks having already been taken off the board, the Miami Dolphins found themselves on the clock with the 8th pick and Tannehill still available. They pulled the trigger and selected Tannehill. Many draft experts believe selecting Tannehill with the 8th pick was a bit of a stretch, but upon further review it appeared to be a great pick. Tannehill stood up after hearing his name called and hugged the smokin hot blonde to his left, his wife Lauren Tannehill. It was at that moment that every person involved in the NFL draft realized why Tannehill was so highly regarded by the Dolphins; his model wife. I think I speak for the masses today when I say, "Ryan Tannehil, you son of a bitch". 

Boston Red Sox to lift beer ban in clubhouse after 1-5 start

After the historic collapse of last season and subsequent missing of the playoffs, the Boston Red Sox cleaned house in the off season by replacing GM Theo Epstein with Ben Cherington and manager Terry Francona with Bobby Valentine. One of Valentine's first moves as manager was to ban the consumption of beer during games, a practice that was apparently common among starting pitchers in the 2011 season. When asked for his reaction to Valentine's beer ban during spring training, starting pitcher Jon Lester replied, "O Come on! A rally beer never hurt nobody". Apparently, it is the lack of rally beers that is actually hurting the once mighty Boston Red Sox. After a dismal 1-5 start to the 2012 season, Valentine has agreed to allow beer in the clubhouse once again. "Who knew professional baseball players were borderline alcoholics, cough cough Josh Hamilton cough cough" said Valentine. Valentine has said the only beer that will be consumed in the clubhouse will be Coors Original because, "It's my favorite". Valentine also said rookie beer bongs will continue to be used during the 6th inning as it is customary tradition and part of rookie hazing.

Michael Jordan, Bobcats Eyeing Griner with #1 Draft Pick

Charlotte, North Carolina- As the NBA season begins its descent into the playoffs, the current 7-45 Charlotte Bobcats look to be a lock for the #1 pick in the upcoming draft. Majority owner and General Manager Michael Jordan says the team is currently evaluating multiple players to potentially draft with the number 1 pick. According to Jordan, emerging as the favorite is Baylor center Brittney Griner. Says Jordan of Griner, "Her mustache reminds me of Adam Morrison, and I like that". Jordan's success as an NBA executive has been highlighted by top draft picks like Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison in recent seasons. "Griner is like a mix between Kwame and Morrison, so we can't really go wrong here" added Jordan. When asked about the prospect of teaming up with Griner in the paint next season, Bobcats center BJ Mullins replied, "I'm excited, her (Griner's) mustache is so much cooler than mine i'm hoping she can teach me a thing or two". Bobcats head coach Paul Silas also added, "The two of them (Griner and Mullins) are so ugly its sure to scare some opposing players away from the paint." Bobcat fans around the world can finally be excited about something to cheer for in this upcoming season.

Lakers Exercise "Time-Out" option on Bynum

Los Angeles, CA-The Los Angeles Lakers front office has recently exercised its option to put young center Andrew Bynum in a time-out after Bynum committed numerous infractions against the team. The time-out clause was implemented in Bynum's contract after his mother insisted it be there. Lakers head coach Mike Brown said he doesn't think it will be enough to tame the rebellious young center. "I wanted to spank him, but you know, that sort of thing is frowned upon here" Brown said. "Hell, if I had been able to spank LeBron a few times in Cleveland he might have a ring by now!" added Brown. When asked about the supposed time-out, Bynum replied, "I don't wanna talk about it".

Kentucky Fan that Lost Foot Due to Celebration Given Piece of Anthony Davis' Unibrow as Consolation

Lexington, KY – Just one day after winning its eighth Men’s NCAA National Championship the Kentucky Wildcats Men’s Basketball team found themselves in the University’s local Hospital visiting a fan who lost a foot after being shot during the celebration that ensued after the Wildcats victory. Local teamster and lifelong Wildcat Basketball fan Harold Calloway said of the incident, “it’s a small price to pay to see the boys bring home a National Title.” The Lexington native and lifelong bible-belter claims that the amputation of his foot not only affirms his faith in Christ, but actually emboldens it. “I would’ve let the good Lord take my foot years ago if I knew that it meant getting the Wildcats a ‘ship. Hell, I would’ve given a lot more than my non-racing foot” said the amateur racer and local middle school graduate. Anthony Davis has already given Calloway a piece of his unibrow and has pledged to give him a larger portion once his new Husqvarna hair trimmer/weed whacker arrives at Lowes. When asked for his thoughts on the matter Davis was quoted saying, “I’m so happy that he [Calloway] loved the team so much he gave up his foot for our Championship. I’m just glad it wasn’t my foot, ‘cause, you know, that would’ve sucked”. Calloway has said that the Samson-esque quality of Davis’s unibrow has already given him a renewed strength and Doctors have noted that since acquiring the facial hair Calloway’s wingspan has grown over 6 inches. Though no arrests have been made in the shooting that lead to Calloway losing his foot, Kansas head coach Bill Self has been detained and is being held for questioning as a “person of interest” in the case.

Morris Claiborne Excited about Improvement from Previous Aptitude Test Taken in High School

Top rated NFL prospect Morris Claiborne recently scored a 4 out of 50 on the NFL administered Wonderlic Test, which tests cognitive ability in aspiring NFL players at the combine. While most NFL teams look down on a score of 4 out of 50, Claiborne is excited about his vast improvement from the Standard Aptitude Test he took in High School just years ago. "I'm just trying to get better everyday and thats clearly been the case" added Claiborne. Claiborne's recent Wonderlic score has even prompted popular TV Host Jeff Foxworthy to pitch an idea for a new TV show called "Are you smarter than Morris Claiborne?"

Nike admits new NFL jerseys were inspired by The Hunger Games

Nike's unveiling of their new NFL-inspired jerseys earlier today was met with much excitement around the league as players took to twitter to voice their opinions. "They look the same, i'm excited" tweeted Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher. Nike, however, has been quick to point out that the new jerseys are in fact not the same as before, and were indeed inspired by the recent novel turned movie, The Hunger Games. "We wanted the jerseys to have a sort of, sexy survival and death kind of look". "After the popularity of the Twilight Saga and now The Hunger Games, it was an opportunity we couldn't afford to miss" added Nike CEO Phil Knight, who is a self-proclaimed fan of all tween romance novels. "We really missed the boat with Twilight and the designing of our new soccer jerseys so we weren't going to let this one slip through our hands!" said Knight. When told about Nike's inspiration for their new NFL jerseys, Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh replied, "The jerseys were designed after a restaurant!?"